8 parenting tips I’ve picked up in therapy.

by Elizabeth on January 8, 2014

I hope you find something helpful, heartwarming, or meaningful in this post. I struggled with the title simply because I know the word “therapy” comes with a certain stigma and that’s not what this is about. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a hundred times. Therapy (and my therapists) helped SAVE MY LIFE. They changed it from what it was and where it was heading and I couldn’t have more gratitude towards them. So I tossed around, “Being the best parent I can be,” or, “Parenting 101,” but the truth is I would have never known most of these specific things if I hadn’t sat my butt for three years in a therapists office/group figuring out how to do things differently or why it even mattered.

Now, as I write this I’ve currently been a parent for two years, one month, 20 days, 16 hours and 47 minutes, but it’s not like having a baby changes your life or anything so who’s counting? Really. In all seriousness, I don’t think I’m an expert. I have learned a few “aha!” tidbits that struck me as interesting and maybe they will do the same for you. Here it goes…

8. Follow compliments on their actions (great job, you’re so smart, you’re incredibly athletic, etc.) with a praise of character (you worked so hard to accomplish that, I admire how you gave up things you wanted to achieve that, you studied a ton for that test and it paid off!) This sends the message to a child that you admire their values rather than the achievement itself. In a culture that’s so performance/achievement based it’s natural to want your children to be ahead of the curve. If I asked you what you wanted more for them though, I bet it’s that they know what they value in life and act in alignment with those values. What happens after that is out of everyone’s control.

7. Using the term GOOD/BAD BOY and GOOD/BAD GIRL when speaking to children. I know it seems extreme, but hear me out. I remember a specific instance in church when we were sitting behind a family with child a few years older than Noah. On this particular Sunday he was having a hard time sitting still and being quiet. After he threw a book during a prayer, the dad grabbed him sternly and said, “Bad boy!!!” I cringe when I hear this term (and it’s all the time) because it sends the message that children’s actions make them good or bad people. If the boy had been sitting quietly would that make him “good” in his parents eyes? You’re probably tempted to answer yes, but that’s like saying my struggle with an eating disorder makes you a bad person which I don’t believe to be true. Children’s actions don’t make them good or bad, just like our actions don’t define us. We all make mistakes and that doesn’t mean we are bad. I think what parents mean when they use this term is that their action isn’t appropriate. So tell them that instead! “Noah, you don’t throw books in church! You could hurt someone!” See how that statement is different because it doesn’t reference a child’s character? It does let him know that he is responsible for the behavior and it tells him why it’s not acceptable and could be potentially harmful.

6. Comparing two children. In our minds comparison is a natural thing and that’s why it’s so easy to compare one child to another. Like I mentioned above though, children tend to hear things we don’t mean. I was talking to a friend once and he told me that his second child had so much more personality than his first did as a baby. I wanted to die, hoping the child hadn’t heard because that could be hurtful to a seven year old. What the man meant was that his second had a DIFFERENT personality as a baby than the first did. Not more, better, worse, etc. Just different. And if for some reason he did think his second child had a better personality, he needed to keep it to himself. That’s my opinion because I don’t want any of my children to get the impression I think more or less of them than another child.

5. Using the term WE inappropriately. This was simple but so hard for me to change!!! When telling Noah not do do something I would say, “We don’t do this/that.” The thing about using the word we is that it’s a codependent term implying that you and the child are one and the same and he must share your values/beliefs. It also doesn’t give them ownership for their actions. Now when I talk to him I make sure I say, “YOU don’t  do that. If YOU choose to do it again, there will be consequences.” His actions = his responsibility. He can still make whatever choice he wants and I can’t force him to behave. Yet if that’s what he chooses, there will be a consequence.

4. Become the best listener of your child and know them well. I don’t know about you, but I’m quick to tell Noah how to do things more efficiently, better, faster, etc., and sometimes this is appropriate. Other times, when he’s talking to me or showing me something he just wants me to be with him and listen. It let’s him know I value who he is, how he thinks, and who he is becoming.

3.  It’s a good thing you aren’t the perfect parent. What parent hasn’t lost it? Gotten angry, annoyed, frustrated, and irritated with their children? Who hasn’t spoken unkindly to their spouse or another person in front of them? As important as it is to model healthy behavior, it’s also important to teach them how adults mess up too. That’s reality. And it gives you the perfect opportunity to let them see you make amends, whether it’s to them or someone else. I want my children to know that I’m not perfect and neither will they be and that’s perfectly ok. We learn lessons and humility from our mistakes.

2. Take joy in your children. I know you love your kids. More than anything. Why else would you be reading my oh-so-eloquently written, grammatical error free post? You want, hope and pray to be the best parent you can be to them. I know sometimes when I’m sitting and playing with Noah, I look over at him and I can’t believe he’s mine. How could I be so blessed to have him? In that moment there’s no where I’d rather be than playing with trains or reading a story. TELL THEM THIS, AND TELL THEM OFTEN! I assume he knows how much I love and care for him but how meaningful would it be if someone were to tell you how there’s no where they’d rather be than with you on a regular basis? It never hurts to hear how loved you are.

1. Knowing that as a parent, you do your best and ultimately, you have no control over what your children decide to do in life. Sure you influence them. But you can be the near perfect parent and your child can commit murder. On the other hand, you can be a neglectful, abusive parent and your child could end up like Mother Theresa. Knowing that all you can do is your part and that who they become is up to them is extremely scary but very freeing.

My intention in this post isn’t to guilt-trip anyone or suggest you change if you have it down! By all means, if you know a different way and it’s working for you: go for it. These were just tips that made total sense to me as far as raising a child who is independent, thinks for them self, and knows I love and value them for who they are rather than their accomplishments. That’s why I wanted to pass them along to you. Actions and words are so powerful and you can change what your child hears with the language you use. I know the majority of parents out there just want the best for their children (like I do) and don’t realize that a few language choices and actions can make a big difference. So take what you like, leave what you don’t, and be sure to give your child an extra long hug and tell them how much they mean to you today.

photo-11

 

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Elizabeth @ Positive Change January 8, 2014 at 8:06 am

I think these are great suggestions! One day when I am parent I will have to remember all of this!
Kind of a side note about your main intro, I too was saved through therapy with my eating disorder and I use to be really nervous to use the word therapy around people but I realized that it saved me. I was so grateful for this word! Therapy can be a great resource and it really really really can help people when they are needing this help!
Elizabeth @ Positive Change recently posted…Recap of 12 Days of Togetherness!My Profile

Reply

2 Ashley @ Kick Ash Mom January 8, 2014 at 8:08 am

I’m guilty of a couple of these. Comparing is hard for me. Of course I don’t say anything to the kids but my son is so go with the flow and my daughter is..well…. she knows what she wants when she wants it. I really feel you just have to learn as you go. These are great tips though and I agree with every one of them!
Ashley @ Kick Ash Mom recently posted…Get me out of hereMy Profile

Reply

3 Joe Sauvageau January 8, 2014 at 8:15 am

Thanks for being such a great mother and leader for our family, Elizabeth! I admire you more than you know!

Reply

4 Laura@SneakersandSpatulas January 8, 2014 at 9:26 am

I don’t have children yet, but this was an interesting read and I will take into account when talking to children in the future!

http://www.sneakersandspatulas.com/2014/01/07/how-to-dress-for-cold-weather-running/

Reply

5 Runner Girl Eats January 8, 2014 at 10:09 am

Great reminders! I also really respect your openness when talking about therapy. You are doing a lot to help remove some of the stigma.
Runner Girl Eats recently posted…WTF?! WednesdayMy Profile

Reply

6 Yolien January 8, 2014 at 10:33 am

I really enjoyed reading these! I also don’t have kids, but it was a good reminder for ways to improve my own thinking now.

Reply

7 Alyssa @ See This Girl Run January 8, 2014 at 11:05 am

Obviously, I’m not a parent, but I think these all sound wonderful. Noah and baby girl are sure lucky to have you!
Alyssa @ See This Girl Run recently posted…Wednesday WonderfulsMy Profile

Reply

8 Bethany January 8, 2014 at 11:41 am

Love this!

Reply

9 Katie @ running4cupcakes January 8, 2014 at 11:47 am

Great post Elizabeth!! I totally agree with using the term good/bad boy. They aren’t bad, the behavior isn’t ideal and that’s what we need to communicate to them. We use the term “good decision” in our house!
Katie @ running4cupcakes recently posted…Running! {how I got started}My Profile

Reply

10 Avery @ YoungAspirations January 8, 2014 at 1:18 pm

I really appreciate your honesty about your struggles and what you’ve learned. It’s so encouraging! Love this post too – especially the one about not using “we”. I’ve never really thought about that but I hear parents do that allllll theee timeee and it makes so much sense to use “you” instead! I am so encouraged to see the Lord growing godly parents. I pray as a parent I’ll constantly be ready to admit my faults and always keep learning as well!
Avery @ YoungAspirations recently posted…My Pregnancy: 20 week updateMy Profile

Reply

11 Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries January 8, 2014 at 1:32 pm

Thanks so much for sharing what you’ve learned with us! I’m all for learning how to be a better parent. It’s something I’m constantly working on.
Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries recently posted…Hungry Beast ModeMy Profile

Reply

12 Kaitlyn DeGaetano January 8, 2014 at 7:31 pm

These are great points, they make a lot of sense. I think it is amazing how little words and phrases can change our perception and understanding so greatly. I don’t have kids yet, but when I do I hope I can remember these points.
Kaitlyn DeGaetano recently posted…I’m Predicting the FutureMy Profile

Reply

13 Lana Lacey January 8, 2014 at 8:20 pm

Wow great blog posts lately. I love it when you write about real life things! Thanks for sharing different insight as you encounter it in your own life, whether that’s with eating disorders or parenting or just life in general. Love the authenticity!
Lana Lacey recently posted…2014My Profile

Reply

14 Crystal@TheFastFitRunner January 8, 2014 at 8:51 pm

Thanks for sharing this! I am a pretty analytical person in general, but now that I am a mom, I am always thinking about how to lay the best groundwork now to properly teach our son how to act, and to get in the habit of disciplining in the most effective way. I am constantly thinking should whether I should use the word “no”, or if there are better ways to say that? Using his name, instead of “baby” because he has his own identity whether he is a baby or not; and remembering to explain things to him, no matter the age. But the tips you put up here were really great things that we might not always think about or come across, and I especially love NO. 1!

Reply

15 Danica @ It's Progression January 11, 2014 at 2:35 pm

This. is. amazing.
Thank you so much for writing this – I’m not a parent (yet!) but I completely agree with each of these!
Danica @ It’s Progression recently posted…Friday Favorites 1.10.14My Profile

Reply

16 Caroline January 26, 2014 at 9:36 pm

I LOVE this post! It was so brave of you to share your experiences in therapy… Hopefully posts like this will help change the stigma associated with therapy/counseling/etc.

I REALLY like #7. When I taught I would have students who would make mistakes, and when talking to them they would say things like “You think I’m bad now…” which broke my heart! I would always tell them “I don’t think you’re a bad boy/girl… I think you made a bad choice…” I really need to get better at using “we” appropriately!
Caroline recently posted…foofoo dog + Britney = face plant {My Training Diary: Week 3}My Profile

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: